Shame and Healing from Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse…no one wants to talk about it. It’s too uncomfortable…it’s too painful…it’s a secret…if I don’t talk about it, it will go away….nobody listens anyway. One of the first steps to healing and I believe an ongoing step in continuing to heal is talking about sexual abuse. Growing up being sexually abused for many years, I told no one. I didn’t talk about what was going on, I kept the secret of the abuse tucked away for many years. This is the same thing I hear from many others who have been sexually abused. Even years later, when the actual abuse has ended, many individuals still find it difficult to talk about what happened and how it made them feel.

Lets talk about the difference between secrets and private….

When something is a secret, it is usually based in shame and fear. Secrets can be toxic and keep a person stuck in a negative state and can be very harmful. Keeping a secret takes a lot of energy to keep that thing hidden. Secrecy is not a voluntary choice meaning we feel there will be a high price to be paid if something came out in the open. Now I am not talking about the ” can you keep a secret, we are having a surprise party for your cousin this week, type of secret…. but the I had an affair secret, the I stole money secret, I was abused secret, my partner hits me secret.

When something is private it is a voluntary choice. It is not based in shame and fear. It is a choice of exercising boundaries. It is a choice not to disclose something.

Shame is a huge issue for individuals who have been abused. Being abused becomes part of your identity, you may feel, dirty, damaged, rejected, stained. Along with this the abuser emotionally manipulated you to keep the secret and feel the shame. We will talk more about more about manipulation in later blogs but for now know that you held that secret because you honestly felt you had no other choice.

The decision to share that secret is a big step and it can be such a freeing step. In order to start healing we must speak the words, I was abused or I am still being abused. If you are at this first step, I know it is scary, find someone who you trust, if you can’t say the words out loud, then write them down in a note. Take that first step. I am in your corner cheering you on and and being that support you may think you don’t have.

Angela